Wednesday, December 7, 2011

waking up to the most terrifying thing a mother can.

Today, I had one of the most frightening moments a mother thinks of.

I suffer  have depression. I take meds to help but I decided to take myself off and as a result I have been sleeping alot.  BIG MISTAKE. I have hit a rough patch. Today I learned how this affects my family just as much as it does myself.

Today, Hubs had to go to work. So, he wasn't home to get up with little man. I wake up because I found it odd that little man had not came into my room yet. Usually, if he wakes up before us he comes into our room and crawls in bed and snuggles. I get up to go check on him in his room. As soon as I open my bedroom door my back door is wide open & the screen door is closed. Panic hit my mind. I ran to his room and he was gone. I run outside in the 30 degree weather bare foot and in a spagetti strap shirt without a bra...It was a little nippy. I run to the drive way and look and he is no where. I run to the front yard... He isn't there. I run over to my in laws house (our backyards connect) and my mother in law sees me and I fling the back door open and she asks "whats wrong????" I just yelled "AIDEN!!!" and I think that i said something about not being able to finding him. She said she would run out front of her house and look. I ran back to my house and ran inside SCREAMING little mans name... and I thought I heard my MIL call my name so I slip on the shoes by the back door and run out. She DOESN'T have little man. At that point, I knew something terrible happened. She says "Trey (Hubs) took him over to meme and pa this morning... He is over there." I was also calling hubs over and over while I was looking for little man. He answers as MIL tells me he is at meme and pa's. So I scream at him "Why didn't you tell me you were taking him over there!?!? YOU LEFT THE BACKDOOR WIDE OPEN!! WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL ME!?!? I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING ALL OVER FOR HIM OUTSIDE!!!". He says I'm sorry and I hung up and ran inside. I crawled in my bed and started to cry. I felt HORRIBLE.

I officially deserve the worst mother alive award. How could I let myself get that low? It was the single most terrifying moment in my LIFE. I have never felt such fear in my life. I never felt such disappointment in myself as a mother in my life. I scare the living CRAP out of my mil and myself. I would not be able to  live with myself if something HAD happened to little man. This evening I went to my mother in laws to apologize for scaring her today and she said she knew something was wrong when she saw me running to her back door. She said I had this "look" on my face and thought I was going to say something happened to him or that he was unconscious.

This morning was definitely a wake up call. I cannot let my son down.

You bet when hubs brought him home I hugged that kid so tight.
Lord, Thank you for protecting my baby and giving me a reality check..

I just had to get this of my chest.